Jess I Am » family

2010 started out rough

jess — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 18:08:27 +0000

I’ve missed you, blog friends. How have you been?

I can’t believe it’s been 25 days since I last posted here. Way to start the new year, huh? Welp, there’s good reason for it, this year has gotten off to a pretty rough start but I’m getting used to taking life’s blows square in the nose.

Jan. 1

Our third wedding anniversary. NYE was nice, pretty low key- spent with great company, great food and of course a little alcohol. It was a unique NYE for us because for the past few years we’ve been having a party at our house and had to do a lot of running around and preparing for it and then alot of clean up the day following. This time, we got together at our friends’ new home and there were 6 of us total, the home was so new they hadn’t gotten cable hooked up so there was no Rockin’ Eve blastin’ on the TV. We used a clock to tell us when in was midnight and I think we may have been in bed asleep by 1 (we stayed the night with our friends which again was awesome, not having to deal with driving). It was a really nice and memorable night and I liked that it was so stress free and chill.

Married three years already. Doesn’t time fly? I love you so much baby.

Jan 2

I decided it was time to quit smoking, and Tina did too. We were actually doing really well for 9 days. No more crazy withdrawal attitudes. It was getting pretty easy and I was so proud of us.

Jan 3

Bowling started back up! I had a great first night, bowling all three games well above my average. Woot woot!

Jan 9

I was sick again, for the third time in a month I had an ear infection and sinus infection and now a throat infection. I saw the Dr, got antibiotics and went to bed.

Jan 10

I found out the hard way that my son didn’t feel that his life was worth living anymore.

That was the day that felt like time stopped everywhere else in the world and everything went silent. I forgot I was sick, and the only things I could hear were cries, hospital sounds, my heart beating really loudly. My little family’s heart was broken worse than ever before and I had to hold it together. I needed to be strong, to not cry. I hadn’t even heard about the Earthquake in Haiti until days after it had happened.

Tina and I didn’t go to work for three days, I didn’t sleep for more days than that. All we ate was fast food for a week.

We painted and renovated his room while he was gone with help from a few friends so that he’d come home to a new and happy space. A nice slate grey, with white trim. We added a small black board by the door with chalk board paint and personalized it with his name in red. We hung black suede-like curtains and we mounted his guitars on the wall. All of his furniture was painted black with chrome hardware. At least 15 loads of laundry, washed, dried, folded and put away. Kristie gave him her laptop because she had just gotten a new one. We copied over all of his files for him, Katie fixed the broken keyboard. Everything was perfect.

The work kept us busy and honestly I think kept us sane. He was going to be ok, that’s what it told us. He’d be back home soon and he’d love it. We were so lucky.

I missed him a lot and every minute I worried about him. Was he eating? Were his new piercings getting infected? Was he cooperating? Being open?

I blamed myself like I’m sure most parents do in these situations. I had been to hard on him. Pushed him to much, was too grouchy, so easily frustrated. I didn’t tell him often enough that I love him. I didn’t show him well enough. I had failed him and didn’t even see it prior. That day, Jan 10, I decided that things were going to be a whole lot different from here on out. That I was going to be different.

Do dirty dishes really matter that much? No, they don’t in the grans scheme of things. Why let little things get the best of me? Life is too short and way to precious.

Tina and I decided we’ll spend more time at home from now on, and do more with the kids. We’ll spend much less time hanging out and being social on the weekends unless the kids can come. We’ll eat dinner together. We’ll be more involved and know what’s going on so that we don’t miss important signs. We’ll be more aware. We’ll keep each other in the loop. We won’t assume anything anymore.

Jan 11

We began smoking again. From zero to a pack a day just like that. I was still sick and by now feeling much worse.

Jan 18

Was my beautiful lady’s birthday. Since we’ve been really strapped for cash from putting everything we could toward the surgery and then spending money we really didn’t have decorating the boy’s room, I wasn’t able to get Tina the gift that I wanted to. Then it hit me. We had a big jar of loose change that we’d been collecting for a few years. I asked the boy to help me roll it and I cashed it in and was able to have enough to get Tina teh Wii Fit Plus which she’s wanted for a while. Now that’s what I call luck. A few friends dropped by with very thoughtful gifts and were there to have cake with us. It was nice to see Tina smile again after so much heartache.

Jan 23

I pulled off an awesome surprise party with the help of some of the most awesome friends in the world and the kids (thanks everyone!) She was legitimately surprised, SCORE! …and score he he he

Jan 25

TOP SURGERY PAID IN FULL – I can’t thank you all enough for everything you’ve done to help me meet this goal.

This is me, today - Day 223

Without you it would have been 3 years before I could have saved up enough money to do it. I’ll never ever forget your support and generosity and promise to be charitable and pay it forward whenever I can in the future to those in need of help.

Also my first day smoke free and nothing can make me smoke again.

My surgery is in 29 days. TWENTY-NINE DAYS. From here on out I’m eating healthy, not smoking and working out.

197 days

jess — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 16:01:01 +0000

…on T that is. Yes, I know, 197 is an odd number to use as any sort of landmark. I just know that if I don’t blog about this now, I won’t. Never a dull moment in this life o’ mine.

Before I get into the transition stuff there are a few other things I want to write about.

1st – our good friends L & D closed on their first property yesterday and I’m really happy for them. Congrats guys!

2nd – It’s possible that I’m addicted to playing the new Super Mario Bros for Wii. (Thanks Santa)

3rd – I got a Christmas card addressed to my old name from my father. Not only was it on the outside of the envelope, but inside the card. The card had money in it that I really could have used but I sent it back with a letter explaining why. This should be interesting.

4th – My father’s mother (my Memere or Meme’ since we’re of french canadian heritage) is in her 90s and sadly is not doing well. She’s been in the hospital for days with failing kidneys due to her diabetes.

I want to go visit her while I still can, but since my father told me when I disclosed that I’m trans that he didn’t want her to know so I’m in a very tough spot. My father’s side of the family is huge but I’ve never really been close to them. The only ones on that side that I even consider family are my Meme and an aunt or two. As far as I know, none of them know I’m trans. I’m afraid that if I just show up at the hospital, that somehow it would become about me when all I really want to do is see my Grandmother. I don’t know what their reactions would be… most of them I haven’t seen in years. Of course I also wouldn’t want to risk upsetting Meme in her feeble condition.

So.. dilemma!

5th – Red Alert. I’ve managed to raise $4500. which is so incredibly amazing thanks to my friends in blogland and in real life. You guys are awesome, I hope you know that. I really can’t express enough how touched and grateful I am for your support with this.

The balance due on my surgery is $5200. This means I’m still about $700. short (so close!!!). We paid for the trip to FL out of pocket and that was $1252.54 we don’t have a whole lot more that we can afford to contribute between now and then but we’ve got every extra cent budgeted to go towards food/incidentals while we’re in FL.

This is really my last public outcry for assistance. You’ve got to be tired of hearing about this by now, so I won’t be asking again after this I promise. I’ll remove the button from my sidebar as soon as the goal is met. We could really use the help if you have any cash to spare.

__________

Now on to the changes.

Hair – it’s getting thicker, longer and darker everywhere. I got one of those body groomers and trimmed it all, legs included because seriously I was looking like chewbacca. That just made me itch all over so I think I’m going to have to deal with being a really hairy guy. It’s in my genes anyway so I saw it coming.

Fat redistribution – I need to buy all new underwear because the ones I have are all too big. I’m happy to report that. My chest is also quite deflated.. lol. Who knew that so much of the breast was just fat?

Voice – It’s stabilizing and not as hoarse all the time. I’m getting to know it better and it doesn’t sound so weird to me anymore. I’m also starting to sing with a little more confidence when I’m in the car.

Sex drive – still pretty intense, but this week it hasn’t been as frustrating.

Muscles – I have not been to the gym in a couple of weeks so nothing big to report here. I have finally gotten to the point of being able to do consecutive pushups which is something I’ve never had the upper body strength to do.

T – 29 so far, 30 happens this Monday. I can’t believe it’s only been 6 months, but I also can’t believe it’s been 6 months already.

Here’s me right now:

Loss. Hers or Mine?

jess — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:47:32 +0000

I think it's a bit of both, let me explain what actually happened.

I've blogged a bit about my 1/2 siblings, but I can't access my blog from work to link you there. Here is the background:

My parents were married in 1978, which is the year I was born. My mother and father had 2 other children after me, Sarah in 1980 and Steve in 1982. My parents divorced in around 1982-83. I know the process had started while my mother was pregnant with Steve, but I'm not sure when it was actually official. What I do know is that my father was remarried shortly after that and they began to have more children. Michelle in early '85, Rachel in '87 and Josiah in '89. there's approx 2 years between each of us (more or less).

We spent alot of time together, the 6 of us, as kids. As the oldest, I remember my parents being married, and I remember living with my two parents and seeing my father leave and seemingly replace the family he originally had very soon after. If you noticed the pattern above, 2 girls (then anyway)- boy, 2 girls -boy. We all had a sort of "mini me" in the step-kids and that was fun when we were young, but as they got older, we really had nothing in common. Completely different upbringings. We went to public school, they were home schooled. We were catholic, they were born again. We had neighborhood friends, they had each other and church kids. We had social lives, they were sheltered.

As I got older, it became really difficult for me to spend time with my father and his wife. She and I never got along, and whenever I saw them I felt like I had to be some phony version of myself.. the person they wanted me to be. I did that all the way up until my mid-twenties, then decided I couldn't be that way, when they made no efforts to change who they were for my benefit and could do/say hurtful things (really I'm speaking about my father's wife and not my father, he was always nice to me and my partners past, also very tolerant (but not at all supportive) of the fact that I was queer even though he disagreed).

I'll get back on that some other time, but I just needed to give a little bit of background on what I'm abt to tell you.

My sister Rachel got engaged earlier this year to a guy she's been dating at her church for a few years. She and Michelle are involved in a church that even my uber born again father thinks is a cult. Since I was involved in a church that was very controlling and cultish, I dont really know what to think abt it.

Anyway, Rachel went about planning her wedding, never telling me when it was.

Then my news got dropped on her a few months later in June when she got my letter telling her that I was transitioning and asking for her support. I asked her to switch pronouns, use my new name and to see me as her brother in that letter. She called me a few days later and basically preached to me about her concern for my soul and she cried the entire time. We spoke for about an hour and it didn't go well. We didn't speak again after that until last night.

Sometime after that night, Tina and I planned my top surgery fund raiser for 10/24. When my sister Sarah RSVPd to my fund raiser telling me that she would be in Baltimore at our sister's wedding, that was when I first knew the date of the wedding. And when I realized that I hadn't been invited. Ouch, right?

Well, it made sense. She couldn't accept the new and improved me. She didn't want it to be uncomfortable at her wedding, it's her big day. I get that. I even understood it and was ok with it even though it hurt. I'd be in a room full of people who love and support me that night anyway.

Then I get a phone call last night.

Her: Incase you were wondering you are invited to my wedding.

Me: Really, wow I'm glad you told me because I had assumed I wasn't since you never invited me and it's 3 wks away.

Her: Happy Birthday btw.

Me: Thanks, it was 3 wks ago.

Her: I know, I wanted to call but I didn't want to talk about this on your birthday.

Me: Talk about what

Her: you asked me to see you as my brother, as male and use male pronouns. I'm calling to tell you that I won't be able to do that. You are my sister and will always be my sister.

Me: I understand, well, if you can't see me as your brother don't see me as anything. I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not for anyone.

Her: You are the one that's changing and asking everyone else to change, it's not fair for you to say that to me.

Me: Why can't you just support me in this? I'm happy for the first time ever and you refuse to give me that?

Her: Her beliefs don't allow her to

and it went back and forth like that for a while with her telling me that being trans is nothing like being born with a physical defect. That it's an identity issue and she won't support me living this way it's against everything she believes in. I eventually hung up on her when she made it clear that she would not change her mind. I wasn't up for anymore painful words coming my way.

My sister Michelle has never reached out to me since she read the letter. No call, no text, no email. Nada. So I assume she feels the exact same way.

My father sent me the card on my bday addressed to Jessica. The text in the card was full of god mad you how he did for a reason, blah blah.

Frankly, it hurts to think that I won't know my future nieces and nephews, and that they can so easily judge me, and turn on me this way.

She feels like my transitioning is abandoning them in some kind of way and would rather see me live a miserable existance as female. As long as I'm female she'll be happy. I guess retaining 3 out of 5 siblings isn't so bad.

See, it was brief.

jess — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:05:14 +0000

Yesterday was a bad day from the moment I opened my eyes up until I allowed my wife to coax me into going to celebrate her brother’s birthday over dinner last night.

I’m glad I caved because we had a great time and it was good to see her family (we almost never see any of them). Not to mention, her other brother treated us all to some really good hibatchi. LOL

So, what’s wrong with Jess, you ask? Not sure I’m ready to talk about it here just yet, but its heavy. Life has just been a lot to deal with lately and I’m pretty overwhelmed.

I do have some good news to report though. A while back (can’t link to it now because I can’t access my blog from work) I announced that my new name would be Jesse Aaron. Well, after trying it on for a while I realized it just wasn’t the name for me. It didn’t feel natural to say and I had no connection to the name Aaron personally. I also had issue with the name Jesse but since I still really want to be called Jess for short and all other names starting with “Jes” (Jestin, Jessen etc) just didn’t seem to fit since I like more traditional names. So, after lots of thought, discussions with friends and family and especially Tina who is abt tired of hearing “what about the name _____”, I’ve made a decision.

I’ve always liked the name Andrew. My grandpa’s name is Andre and my Grandma wasn’t french (like him) and couldn’t get the accent right, so she always called him Andrew (or Drew for short). Tina pointed out to me that it would be a tribute to both of them to use Andrew as a middle name. So, here I am Jesse Andrew. Tada! And it works, it feels natural to say it, write it and see it spelled out.

Hopefully within the next few weeks I can submit the official paperwork to the court and get it changed once and for all! Yay! I’d also like to have my gender marker changed on my drivers license and in CT all I’d need is a letter from my therapist and the name change paperwork so I may do that. Or, I may wait until I have top surgery. There are pros and cons to waiting and I need to figure out what the safest/most responsible way to go about it would be.

What else? There will be no hysterectomy. At least not covered by insurance and not any time soon. That really contributed to my recent depressed state of mind. I wanted it. I went through a laparoscopy procedure and used PTO from work. I have bills resulting from it that need to be paid. I did it for nothing because nothing was found in me that would make the hysterectomy medically necessary. my Dr. is actually meeting with some folks at the hospital to see if there is any other way to go about it, but my hopes aren’t up because it seems like it’s not going to happen until I can afford to pay cash. Ther surgery I’d have would be triple what my top surgery costs. Yeah, not happening.

As far as changes go, I’m getting hairier by the minute, I swear. I’m going to be a gorilla when all is said and done. I’m also breaking out in odd places, my neck, back and chest. Even on my thighs. I had blood work this morning for a follow up appt with my Endocrinologist on Tuesday, so I’ll find out if maybe my T level is too high and if I need to decrease or go from injecting weekly to every 10 days or so. We’ll see.

This blog has been helpful for me throughout my transition so far and for years prior to it. I should have known that as soon as I decided I had nothing to say that I’d become full of things to post about.

A quickie.

jess — Tue, 14 Jul 2009 17:57:23 +0000

Everything has been going great lately, transition and otherwise.

My only complaint is that I seem to be losing control when it comes to food. I’m a beast, I tell ya. I’ve managed to gain 8 lbs back so far and I think it’s all in my gut. I’m working hard on building muscle, but I think I need to go back to eating healthier foods and maybe add some cardio to the days that I’m not at the gym. (Wanna start walking again babe?)

This past weekend was full of fun family outdoor activities. We went fishing on my cousin’s boat on Saturday which was awesome, then we went to the Italian Festival that night and hung out a bit afterward with B & P and T. Then Sunday was lil Eric’s 8th bday party! I can’t believe how fast he’s growing up. It was also Grandpa’s 76th b-day and I think thier joint celebration is one of my favorite times of the year. I wish Grandma could have been here this year to celebrate with us. She may not have been there physically, but I did feel her presence alot over the weekend. Maybe it was because Aunt Val is here and she reminds me of her.

I was so happy that mom even came to the party. She tends to avoid big gatherings so that was pretty huge.

———-

Today was my 5 wk follow up with my Endocrinologist. He said my labs look awesome and my T levels are great. No changes to my dose are necessary right now and he’s really happy with my results so far.

I don’t have to see him again until end of Sept. when hopefully I’ve recovered from my hysterectomy/oophorectomy.

Tonight I see my therapist. It’s been two weeks and I think I can find a few things to talk about. Luckily all good stuff.

Eventful Week!

jess — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 16:16:59 +0000

Let’s rewind to Thursday.

The Fairfield County Transmasculine Society meeting was great! There were 5 of us in attendance. This time, all FtMs of different stages of transition which was a really cool experience.

The weekend was fun as usual. Tina’s friend from HS, Bobbie came up with her daughter and then she and Tina went to an informal HS reunion. While they were there, I went to B and P’s house for some shish kabobs and beer and good company.

Sunday was our impromptu beach BBQ at Seaside Park in Bpt. We had a blast! Everyone brought something to share and I manned the BBQ. I also got sunburn (again). I think about 20 people came out.

Tuesday was eventful. I had my Endocrinologist appointment at 9 AM. I like the Dr. and am confident that he knows his shit. He wanted me to get lots of labs done because of my high blood pressure. He also thought that my HBP could be linked to my kidneys, so he had me schedule a renal/kidney ultrasound.

I left his office a little after 10, I called to schedule the ultrasound – for 3 PM. I was told that I couldn’t eat or drink anything. I hadn’t eaten or had anything to drink because I knew I’d be having blood drawn.

Then went directly to get my blood drawn and pee in a cup. They drained me. 5 vials! 5!!! I was so in need of a snack, and feeling weak but I went back to work and toughed it out till my appt.

That took until 4:45 and it was really uncomfortable. They really jammed that wand into my ribs.

I went to McDs and grabbed a meal… grilled chicken BLT, fries and a diet coke and headed to New Haven for my 5:30 therapy appointment.

I really like my therapist alot. She’s so easy to talk to and calm. She also smiles alot which makes me feel comfortable… I like happy people. lol.

Yesterday I wrote the letters to my father, and my half siblings and dropped them in the mail on my way home from work. I am done coming out to my family and friends and the only place I need to come out is at work to my staff. My co-workers, Manager, Director and HR already know and are awesome.

When I got home, there was a package for me with an adult toy to review, so look forward to that in the near future!

Most Awesome Family.

jess — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 15:23:20 +0000

Over the past week, I’ve been coming out as trans to my family in bits and pieces. For my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins, I composed an email and sent it to them. For those who are are Facebook or Myspace, I sent the emails to them there because I had no real email address for them.

Below are some of the messages I got back:

Dear Jesse,

I’ve always loved you for your soul. Your a great person and a wonderful cousin. I’ve admired you & looked up to you since I was very young. Your have our support whenever you need it. I hope this transition gives you peace and strength to live a content life. We love you and are here for you.

C*** & L** (Tj & Wolfie too)

—

Hey Jess,I Love You and give you all of my support.I hope everything goes well with the doctors and everything you have to do for it to be successful.I just wanted to let you know that.You go man!
Love, C******

—

You know I love you and want you to be comfortable in your skin. I just hope everything is completely safe. I think it would be odd to us, if you went from the way you were before, then make this decision, but you have looked and dressed like a male for many years, so it is not going to be an awkward transition. Good luck. I am glad Tina and the kids are supportive. I actually work with a transgender person at work. She is really nice. I love you and good luck.
Love you and miss you much – J***

—

hey jess! how r u doing cuz? i just want 2 let u know that i support you 100%. I love ya lots. tell tina and the fam me n H***** say hello!!! xoxox

———-

Hi Jesse,
I support you and feel this must have been a hard decision for you to make. Ever since you’ve come out, I’ve always thought of you as a man. I hope everything goes great with your surgeries etc. If you ever need a friend to talk to please call me. I love you dearly, Aunt L***. Goodnight, nephew.

—

I love you and will always support you. xoxoxoxo Aunt R****

—
And then, yesterday I went to see my Grandfather for a face-to-face coming out conversation.

Me – Grandpa, I need to talk to you about something (moved closer to sit by him so I didn’t have to shout as he’s a bit hard of hearing these days)

G – Sure, is everything ok?

Me – Yeah, it’s actually really great. (and then I tell him about the transition process etc. didn’t really need to preface it he already knew)

G – Sweets (aww), I’m proud of you for doing this. It had to have been really hard for you living as a female all these years. I’m sorry if you felt you couldn’t be your true self because you were afraid that your family might reject you. I love you and just want you to have peace and happiness and will always be here for you.

Me - Wow, Grandpa, thank you for saying that. It means very much to me to have your support. (big hug)

G – Now you said you had a problem or something to tell me?

Me - No Grandpa, no problem… that was it.

G – Aww geez, I though there was something wrong with you or you were sick or something.. you scared me. That’s not a big deal, thanks for telling me.

—

Holy hell. I could have left that house doing backflips. I was so freaking happy and calm inside, it was great. I was most nervous abt talking to Grandpa for some reason. Now the only ones left to tell are on my Dad’s side… including Dad himself and my youngest siblings. I’m less nervous now knowing that I’ve got so many people who love me unconditionally and the most amazing wife ever by my side!

Wish me luck.

therapy and the trip

jess — Wed, 20 May 2009 14:43:06 +0000

Last night I had my first appointment with my new therapist. Her office is only 30 minutes from where I work which is awesome. I will be seeing her every Tuesday for a while and then it won’t need to be so often.

I think after my transition I may continue to see her because I really felt confortable talking to her about everything and I have heard about how hard it is to find someone with experience who’s actually easy to talk to.

She told me that she was impressed, and that even though I’ve officially just recently made the decision to persue a medical transistion, that she can tell by the little that I’ve told her, that I’ve already been living as male without saying the words.

She wants to talk to a psychiatrist in her clinic about me (with my permission) to go over some concerns about hormone therapy. I actually shared with her that I’d had severe mood swings at one point when I was taking BC pills so she wants the opinion of a Dr. Also, I have hypertension and she wants to be sure about that too.

I appreciate that she’s doing this for me so that I don’t have to pay to see the psychiatrist myself. That would be out of pocket.

Next appt is Tues the 26th (the day we get back from our vacation) lol.

———-

Tonight we leave on our day long journey to sunny rainy FL. I hope the weather report changes because right now I’m pretty pissed about it. We should be there early in the day tomorrow.

We’re going to see family, friends and have some fun! Make sure you miss us!

Blogiversary and Grandma’s Birthday

jess — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 02:05:09 +0000

You’ve made it to my new home on the web. Bravo! What do you think so far?

Sunday was my 4 year blogiversary. I started blogging back in 2005 I didn’t blog because it was the weekend and I had a bunch of stuff to do on Sunday. It also happened to be what would have been grandma’s 75th birthday. I miss her terribly, and though it’s gotten easier to accept that she’s gone, I feel like I miss her more every day. This has really been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with.