Jess I Am

I’ve missed you, blog friends.  How have you been?

I can’t believe it’s been 25 days since I last posted here.  Way to start the new year, huh?  Welp, there’s good reason for it, this year has gotten off to a pretty rough start but I’m getting used to taking life’s blows square in the nose.

Jan. 1

Our third wedding anniversary.  NYE was nice, pretty low key- spent with great company, great food and of course a little alcohol.  It was a unique NYE for us because for the past few years we’ve been having a party at our house and had to do a lot of running around and preparing for it and then alot of clean up the day following.  This time, we got together at our friends’ new home and there were 6 of us total, the home was so new they hadn’t gotten cable hooked up so there was no Rockin’ Eve blastin’ on the TV.  We used a clock to tell us when in was midnight and I think we may have been in bed asleep by 1 (we stayed the night with our friends which again was awesome, not having to deal with driving).    It was a really nice and memorable night and I liked that it was so stress free and chill.

Married three years already.  Doesn’t time fly?  I love you so much baby.

Jan 2

I decided it was time to quit smoking, and Tina did too.  We were actually doing really well for 9 days.  No more crazy withdrawal attitudes.  It was getting pretty easy and I was so proud of us.

Jan 3

Bowling started back up!  I had a great first night, bowling all three games well above my average. Woot woot!

Jan 9

I was sick again, for the third time in a month I had an ear infection and sinus infection and now a throat infection.  I saw the Dr, got antibiotics and went to bed.

Jan 10

I found out the hard way that my son didn’t feel that his life was worth living anymore.

That was the day that felt like time stopped everywhere else in the world and everything went silent.  I forgot I was sick, and the only things I could hear were cries, hospital sounds, my heart beating really loudly.  My little family’s heart was broken worse than ever before and I had to hold it together.   I needed to be strong, to not cry.   I hadn’t even heard about the Earthquake in Haiti until days after it had happened.

Tina and I didn’t go to work for three days,  I didn’t sleep for more days than that.  All we ate was fast food for a week.

We painted and renovated his room while he was gone with help from a few friends so that he’d come home to a new and happy space.   A nice slate grey, with white trim.  We added a small black board by the door with chalk board paint and personalized it with his name in red. We hung black suede-like curtains and we mounted his guitars on the wall.  All of his furniture was painted black with chrome hardware.  At least 15 loads of laundry, washed, dried, folded and put away.  Kristie gave him her laptop because she had just gotten a new one.  We copied over all of his files for him, Katie fixed the broken keyboard.  Everything was perfect.

The work kept us busy and honestly I think kept us sane.  He was going to be ok, that’s what it told us.  He’d be back home soon and he’d love it.  We were so lucky.

I missed him a lot and every minute I worried about him.  Was he eating?  Were his new piercings getting infected?  Was he cooperating? Being open?

I blamed myself like I’m sure most parents do in these situations.  I had been to hard on him.  Pushed him to much, was too grouchy, so easily frustrated.  I didn’t tell him often enough that I love him.  I didn’t show him well enough.  I had failed him and didn’t even see it prior.  That day, Jan 10, I decided that things were going to be a whole lot different from here on out.  That I was going to be different.

Do dirty dishes really matter that much?  No, they don’t in the grans scheme of things.  Why let little things get the best of me?  Life is too short and way to precious.

Tina and I decided we’ll spend more time at home from now on, and do more with the kids.  We’ll spend much less time hanging out and being social on the weekends unless the kids can come.   We’ll eat dinner together.  We’ll be more involved and know what’s going on so that we don’t miss important signs.  We’ll be more aware.  We’ll keep each other in the loop.  We won’t assume anything anymore.

Jan 11

We began smoking again. From zero to a pack a day just like that.  I was still sick and by now feeling much worse.

Jan 18

Was my beautiful lady’s birthday.   Since we’ve been really strapped for cash from putting everything we could toward the surgery and then spending money we really didn’t have decorating the boy’s room, I wasn’t able to get Tina the gift that I wanted to.  Then it hit me.  We had a big jar of loose change that we’d been collecting for a few years.  I asked the boy to help me roll it and I cashed it in and was able to have enough to get Tina teh Wii Fit Plus which she’s wanted for a while.    Now that’s what I call luck.  A few friends dropped by with very thoughtful gifts and were there to have cake with us.  It was nice to see Tina smile again after so much heartache.

Jan 23

I pulled off an awesome surprise party with the help of some of the most awesome friends in the world and the kids (thanks everyone!)   She was legitimately surprised, SCORE! …and score he he he

Jan 25

TOP SURGERY PAID IN FULL – I can’t thank you all enough for everything you’ve done to help me meet this goal.

Without you it would have been 3 years before I could have saved up enough money to do it.  I’ll never ever forget your support and generosity and promise to be charitable and pay it forward whenever I can in the future to those in need of help.

Also my first day smoke free and nothing can make me smoke again.

My surgery is in 29 days.  TWENTY-NINE DAYS.  From here on out I’m eating healthy, not smoking and working out.

Related posts:

1. See, it was brief.
2. My Fortune.
3. 197 days
4. A Post-op Quickie
5. A Post-op Quickie

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birthdays, bowling, crisis, family, Jeremie, smoking, surgery, the boy, tina, transition