I've been having some transition related issues lately and I have been meaning to blog about it but time has gotten away from me. There's so much going on all of the time I almost don't have any time to process the monumental and very personal changes in my life. I'm planning to talk to my therapist about this on Tuesday.
I have to admit it feels pretty free to be out in public and to be read properly 99% of the time now. It feels awesome to make a call to a customer service line and be called Mr and Sir, etc. especially when the person hasn't ever met me before I began my transition and has nothing to compare the new me to. Straight people in my life have come a long way with pronoun usage and proper name. As far as transition goes, things are going very well. The biggest thing right now is adjusting to the way I'm perceived now ini a queer space as a man who's married to a woman. I knew we'd be seen as a straight couple when we're out in public, but I guess I wasn't prepared to be seen as a straight couple in an all or mostly queer space too. Queer space is where I'm at home. I'm not comfortable at all in an all straight space and don't identify at all with even the straight. When I'm in a queer space and I'm not seen for the genderqueer trans guy that I am and it's heartbreaking. On the inside I'm jumping up and down waving my arms in the air screaming "I'm Queer too!" to no avail. I know there's no way in this world for a person to have everything, but the last thing I ever wanted was to not be seen by my own people. I understand how femmes can feel invisible. I also understand why so many trans men aren't openly trans and prefer to disassociate themselves from the GLBT community and just blend in with the cis guys. An experience over the weekend floored me and I'm still not sure how to feel about it. Tina and I have recently made friends with a really awesome lesbian couple and we were invited to watch football and eat at their house on Sunday. We only knew them and another couple who we're good friends with, the rest of the people there we had never met. There were a few older lesbian couples, and a couple of straight guys that were family. So when I walked in with Tina we introduced ourselves and almost immediately one of the woman said "oooh, yes, another guy! my brother and nephew are out on the back porch hanging out" and I felt like that was my queue to go off and hang out with these straight guys I'd never met before when my purpose for going was to hang out with my friends. My lesbian friends. Truth be told, I hardly even had a clue of who which teams were playing, I don't understand the game at all, I'm not interested in learning to understand it either. I was there for the friends and of course the food! Granted, the woman was sweet and had no clue I was trans when she said that so I can't blame her She was jsut trying to be helpful I'm sure. Maybe that's how guys roll. I wasn't brought up to be a man, so I guess there are things I'm pretty clueless about. It was just weird to not be seen in a queer space like that and it makes me feel sad that Tina's identity got all messy because I decided to transition and she feels these things without having signed up for it. Does anyone out there have similar feelings/experiences? I need some advice on how to handle situations like these without having to tattoo queer on my forehead.No TweetBacks yet. (Be the first to Tweet this post)
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09/12/2009 at 2:14 pm Permalink
I may not have had a similar experience but I can understand how you feel. You should remember that just because you are a guy there is no necessity at all to leave the queer space which you are so comfortable in. You aren’t always interested in activities typically associated with straight cis guys. The thing is, you don’t have to fit in. Come out as trans if required so you can enjoy with other queers. Labels and binaries are overhyped anyway. Just be who you are, with whomever you want. Most importantly, be comfortable.
09/12/2009 at 5:12 pm Permalink
Well, the very wise Firebolt took the words right out of my keyboard. Yes. You can’t do anything about how you are perceived – I understand that it’s so foreign for you and that’s something that will take time to get used to. Be you. At every moment, do as you are.
09/12/2009 at 9:32 pm Permalink
I understand completely. That’s part of transition that I had completely underestimated – the shifting social dynamics. And different things here and there trigger it, like your story. For example, just a couple of weeks ago a heterosexual cisgender feller I recently met told me, “It must’ve been difficult growing up in Utah not being homophobic, or being liberal.” – and it hit. As I can remember I’ve been read as a queer person, so it was a really strange question – knowing that, to him, I was a cisgender guy who’s an ally to LGBQT people, not one of them. And it also hit the time I went to a lesbian bar and the whole social dynamic was entirely off.
No, we can’t have it all, but… it will take some adjusting to, that’s for sure. Fortunate for me, we have a growing trans community and I think that, by being out so consistently and not at all stealth, it can help with the sense of community.
10/12/2009 at 5:21 pm Permalink
Great post buddy. I am not very savvy about a lot of trans issues although I do have a few friends, you included of course. But the conversations around this topic have been thin really. I bet it is a real struggle for a lot of folks. And the comparison to femme invisibility doesn’t seem too far off. One of my ftm buddies went to an all girls college – so, if he ever wants out of the straight boys club he just drops that info somehow (I love watching people’s faces put that one together.) I also have a very good friend who’s husband is trans. She struggles with coming out because she doesn’t feel that it is her right to out her husband. This is all so complicated. I love that you are hosting this conversation here.I hope you will write more about this.
Also, please, whatever you do, do not tattoo “queer” on your forehead. Thanks.
11/12/2009 at 2:31 pm Permalink
Yes, in the typical straight world….at parties….the guys end up in one room and the women in another…..rule of parties.
None of this matters……just be yourself and don’t worry about it.
13/12/2009 at 8:44 pm Permalink
Would be great to see more pics of you before you transitioned, like you did in your driver license pic, I also am hiding behind make up, I just dont think I could pass as a guy no matter what I do.
14/12/2009 at 7:48 pm Permalink
I don’t have anything from the queer perspective, but I have an experience of my own–once upon a time, I was dating a guy that I met when I was taking ballroom dancing lessons (before I moved to CO). He was a VERY sweet guy and a great dancer, but had a tad of what I now think was cerebral palsy. He invited me up to to Chattanooga, TN one weekend to see a new aquarium that was opening there and we stayed with his aunt and uncle. The night we got there, all the women were in the kitchen fixing dinner and all the men were on the deck having drinks, etc. I stayed out there with them, and him, since I really didn’t know anyone and I also know how “territorial” women can be about their kitchens. It actually didn’t hit me until later, that I was the only woman out there with “the guys” just chatting away like I knew what I was doing
I’m sure I was the subject of conversation for months to come!
Thinking back, it was pretty “bold” behavior but hey, that was where I felt like I wanted to be, so what the hell. As others have said, there’s no rule that says you HAVE to like football or whatever, just because you’re a guy. You can always say, “Oh, I’m just not much of a football fan,” and leave it at that if you feel the need to say anything.
All of this will get easier as time goes on. And I completely hear you about being more comfortable being in “queer” space. AGES before I ever even thought I was a lesbian, I was always uncomfortable in “straight” places and WAY more at ease when I was with a majority of queer folk. That alone should have told me something!
GG
15/12/2009 at 12:07 am Permalink
I’m not that trans-savvy either, but I’m working on becoming more knowledgeable. I have a ftm friend who really struggled when he decided to transition, not so much because of the transition itself but because he was worried about navigating life socially. He realized he’d dated lesbians all his life, and transitioning to male might impact that. He’s still figuring it all out, but then I think – aren’t we all? We’re all here to support you, buddy.
16/12/2009 at 4:26 pm Permalink
Hello,
Although I don’t know that much about trans issues, after reading your post my father who’s a cis straight man comes to mind, in a get together he has never liked sitting down with the guys to watch any kind of game. Those things are just so boring for him. He usually just finds something to read or just listens to the women talk. He generally has done the opposite of what usually is expected of regular guys and is quite the feminist even if he won’t admit it. He always encouraged my sister and me the same way he would have encouraged two sons, even if people gave him shit over it. I love my dad, even if his only concession to typical masculinity is not wearing anything pink (someday I’ll convince him though
So to make the story short, you don’t have to be a walking stereotype if it doesn’t feel right for you. Just be who you are.
I also think you’re right about the lady that told you to go with the guys. My guess is that she innocently assumed that you were a) cis and b) like 90% of the guys she’s met. Now I have to tell you that after having met quite a handful of guys myself, that yes many men roll like that, but not all just look at my geeky dad.
17/12/2009 at 3:50 pm Permalink
Peekaboo.
19/12/2009 at 4:01 am Permalink
My partner is a transguy and from my perspective (as his lady) I can definitely affirm that this is a complicated issue…one that we find ourselves discussing among other queer/trans identified friends often.
Though I strive to reserve judgment, it is difficult for me when transpeople and/or couples I know reject their queer identities in favor of assuming heterosexual privilege in circumstances where safety, job security, harassment etc. aren’t pervasive threats. As an “aside” I find it interesting that it’s more and more common for younger people who transition to not have a queer identity (unless in relation to a queer orientation post-transition like a transguy who dates other men and therefore is perceived as gay). Most of the trans people I know who are my age (pushing 30) had an existing identity in some capacity as queer before having the resources/vocabulary/community to come out as trans and/or transition.
Like someone else commented it has been a personal challenge for me to be out about my [fiercely queer] identity without qualifying it by explaining that my partner is a transguy which in turn would “out” him/qualify his orientation as a man. As a queer person who values visibility and often passes as straight (and in situations I previously would have been on the verge of being pegged as queer having a man on my arm tips the assumptions) it’s a difficult negotiation. My identity as “queer” is explicitly linked to the fact that by being “queer” my orientation is not reliant on another person/the gender of the person I’m with.
And, yes, I will admit that I have conjured up all sorts of imagined responses (like I’m a sell-out and couldn’t take the pressure) by people who knew me in my previous life as a “lesbian” and hear male pronouns coming out of my mouth in reference to my partner. Where this insecurity intersects with reality I’m not quite sure.
Since I’m confessing sins of a bad trans-ally here I will also say that there are times in which I like the hetero privilege that “passing” as a straight couple provides and sometimes even encourage it in situations where the interactions are superficial. (I do miss being insulated from the probing questions about babies that being perceived as “lesbians” tends to insulate from)
My partner and I have welcomed it as a challenge as part of our relationship that has led to some unique discussions about gender, perception, privilege, etc. within the context of our shared identity (identities).
I have come to the conclusion that the only way to understand and negotiations all these complexities of queer life is to continue exploring, embracing, and creating all the nuances of being queer –and reject the oversimplifications of being out in every situation, or living in queer-isolation by constantly passing, or going stealth, or whatever. These are extremes that are unnecessary in most situations. We all struggle to find ways to be recognized by the people/communities that are important to us and there’s no “right” way to do this.
Great blog!
19/12/2009 at 2:46 pm Permalink
Thanks everyone for weighing in. I’ll be posting again soon with more thoughts on this topic. It’s a lot to process and I’m feeling my way through it.
Welcome to the blog Shadylady, thanks so much for sharing all of that. Do you have a blog too?
19/12/2009 at 4:12 pm Permalink
I have a blog for my gender diversity education business (Gender Benders Interactive) but it’s dormant right now: gederbenders.wordpress.com
I’ll link to you though!
19/12/2009 at 4:13 pm Permalink
sorry: that’s genderbenders.wordpress.com