It is likely that this is my last blog post before my name is legally changed on this Monday. With the name change, will come a gender marker change at the DMV and I'll feel that much closer to being completely me.
I wanted to take a moment to say a proper farewell to the girl that I lived as for 30 years. Dear Jessica, We share the same memories, you and me. So many good ones, and so many bad ones too. You were a good girl, Jessie. A bit wild, but good. You tried so hard to be the girl that everyone else wanted you to be. All you ever wanted was to make them happy, and to make them see you. In actuality, you just wanted someone to help you see yourself. You always looked for me but I was so afraid of being found and I hid myself from you. You caught so many glimpses along the way. No, you weren't seeing things, it was me, I was there. I was there all along. Always different, just not quite sure how. You were beautiful, that wasn't the question. Until they saw your walk, that lean or the way you liked to sit with your knees apart, they wouldn't have questioned your femininity. At least I don't think so. That was only for you to do back then. Unless they were inside that head of yours, they couldn't in a million years have known what it felt like for you to feel so out of place, so lonely, so desperate for peace. So empty. You endured so much pain in order to try to be what they wanted you to be. So much. I'm so sorry that I let those things happen to you, Jessie, and that I didn't stand up for you back then. I'll always wish that I had because all I ever wanted was for you to be happy. I loved you. Thank you for finding me, for holding onto your masculinity and embracing it when you did. Thank you for setting me free. For taking the chance to be me even though the risks were many and the consequences were potentially devastating for you. This letter was initially going to be a sort of goodbye letter, but I can't say goodbye to you. I'm going to carry you with me until the end. You are me. Love,Jesse
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30/10/2009 at 11:34 am Permalink
OK. Now that I’m frickin’ gushing at work….
I would say I’d give her a proper goodbye later tonight… but…
…she’s already gone.
30/10/2009 at 11:40 am Permalink
This is a beautiful entry. {{huggs}}
30/10/2009 at 11:43 am Permalink
Goodbyes, no matter how ready you are for them, are always laced with sadness. I felt that here. Also, this was beautifully written and extremely touching.
30/10/2009 at 12:51 pm Permalink
Wow Jesse, you got me with that one. Beautiful.
30/10/2009 at 3:41 pm Permalink
My daughter’s name is Jessica, so this was poignant for me on a lot of levels. Still, even though I have never met you physically, you never seemed like a “Jessica”to me. How about that?
I have been thinking of you as the date draws closer, and I know it will make a huge difference in your life, to have all of your documentation now “match” who you are. That’s maybe even a bigger step than surgery because it really is visible legally now to the whole world.
I’m glad you didn’t say a complete “goodbye” to Jessica. As you said, she is you and now you can take that female understanding with you as you complete your transition to the best man you can be.
I look forward to future posts from Jesse Andrew! (I have a nephew named Andrew–how weird is that?!)
GG
30/10/2009 at 3:52 pm Permalink
Thanks for all the love everyone. I mean it when I say I couldn’t have taken the steps without all of you out there in blogland routing me on. I’m so completely excited about my upcoming next major step.
GG, that is weird that your daughter’s name is Jessica and nephew’s name is Andrew. Another cool commonality
.
Baby, you are my rock. Your support and understanding continues to floor me in a new and different way every single day. Marrying you saved my life in a way and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made outside of being true to myself. xxxooo
30/10/2009 at 7:23 pm Permalink
All I can say is “Wow” with my mouth hung open.
30/10/2009 at 10:32 pm Permalink
Seriously, stop makin’ me get all soggy –
you know I don’t like to cry & be….whimpy whimpy whimpy…..
Nevertheless, you move me, the story of your life continues to move me and that’s probably why we’ve stayed close.
I love you and i love Tina and especially for what you’ve found together…
Keep those pages turning…
30/10/2009 at 11:44 pm Permalink
this post made me cry, I am so happy for you. I am glad that you have a strong partner to help you through this. the love that you show for one another is amazing.
31/10/2009 at 2:43 am Permalink
A wonderful, touching post. I’m happy for you, Jesse.