I think it's a bit of both, let me explain what actually happened.
I've blogged a bit about my 1/2 siblings, but I can't access my blog from work to link you there. Here is the background: My parents were married in 1978, which is the year I was born. My mother and father had 2 other children after me, Sarah in 1980 and Steve in 1982. My parents divorced in around 1982-83. I know the process had started while my mother was pregnant with Steve, but I'm not sure when it was actually official. What I do know is that my father was remarried shortly after that and they began to have more children. Michelle in early '85, Rachel in '87 and Josiah in '89. there's approx 2 years between each of us (more or less). We spent alot of time together, the 6 of us, as kids. As the oldest, I remember my parents being married, and I remember living with my two parents and seeing my father leave and seemingly replace the family he originally had very soon after. If you noticed the pattern above, 2 girls (then anyway)- boy, 2 girls -boy. We all had a sort of "mini me" in the step-kids and that was fun when we were young, but as they got older, we really had nothing in common. Completely different upbringings. We went to public school, they were home schooled. We were catholic, they were born again. We had neighborhood friends, they had each other and church kids. We had social lives, they were sheltered. As I got older, it became really difficult for me to spend time with my father and his wife. She and I never got along, and whenever I saw them I felt like I had to be some phony version of myself.. the person they wanted me to be. I did that all the way up until my mid-twenties, then decided I couldn't be that way, when they made no efforts to change who they were for my benefit and could do/say hurtful things (really I'm speaking about my father's wife and not my father, he was always nice to me and my partners past, also very tolerant (but not at all supportive) of the fact that I was queer even though he disagreed). I'll get back on that some other time, but I just needed to give a little bit of background on what I'm abt to tell you. <begin rant> My sister Rachel got engaged earlier this year to a guy she's been dating at her church for a few years. She and Michelle are involved in a church that even my uber born again father thinks is a cult. Since I was involved in a church that was very controlling and cultish, I dont really know what to think abt it. Anyway, Rachel went about planning her wedding, never telling me when it was. Then my news got dropped on her a few months later in June when she got my letter telling her that I was transitioning and asking for her support. I asked her to switch pronouns, use my new name and to see me as her brother in that letter. She called me a few days later and basically preached to me about her concern for my soul and she cried the entire time. We spoke for about an hour and it didn't go well. We didn't speak again after that until last night. Sometime after that night, Tina and I planned my top surgery fund raiser for 10/24. When my sister Sarah RSVPd to my fund raiser telling me that she would be in Baltimore at our sister's wedding, that was when I first knew the date of the wedding. And when I realized that I hadn't been invited. Ouch, right? Well, it made sense. She couldn't accept the new and improved me. She didn't want it to be uncomfortable at her wedding, it's her big day. I get that. I even understood it and was ok with it even though it hurt. I'd be in a room full of people who love and support me that night anyway. Then I get a phone call last night. Her: Incase you were wondering you are invited to my wedding. Me: Really, wow I'm glad you told me because I had assumed I wasn't since you never invited me and it's 3 wks away. Her: Happy Birthday btw. Me: Thanks, it was 3 wks ago. Her: I know, I wanted to call but I didn't want to talk about this on your birthday. Me: Talk about what Her: you asked me to see you as my brother, as male and use male pronouns. I'm calling to tell you that I won't be able to do that. You are my sister and will always be my sister. Me: I understand, well, if you can't see me as your brother don't see me as anything. I'm not going to pretend to be something I'm not for anyone. Her: You are the one that's changing and asking everyone else to change, it's not fair for you to say that to me. Me: Why can't you just support me in this? I'm happy for the first time ever and you refuse to give me that? Her: Her beliefs don't allow her to and it went back and forth like that for a while with her telling me that being trans is nothing like being born with a physical defect. That it's an identity issue and she won't support me living this way it's against everything she believes in. I eventually hung up on her when she made it clear that she would not change her mind. I wasn't up for anymore painful words coming my way. My sister Michelle has never reached out to me since she read the letter. No call, no text, no email. Nada. So I assume she feels the exact same way. My father sent me the card on my bday addressed to Jessica. The text in the card was full of god mad you how he did for a reason, blah blah. Frankly, it hurts to think that I won't know my future nieces and nephews, and that they can so easily judge me, and turn on me this way. She feels like my transitioning is abandoning them in some kind of way and would rather see me live a miserable existance as female. As long as I'm female she'll be happy. I guess retaining 3 out of 5 siblings isn't so bad. <end rant>No TweetBacks yet. (Be the first to Tweet this post)
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07/10/2009 at 11:02 am Permalink
…sigh…
I believe they will come around some day. But letting them know it’s not an option was very brave and very right of you to do.
Love you.
07/10/2009 at 11:19 am Permalink
Jess – Its things like this that make me understand the comment “They can’t see the forest for the trees.” It’s unfortunate that your sister, and in some ways, your Dad are so blinded by what their religion says that they can’t open their eyes and hearts to what is right in front of them.
Honestly I can understand that they might feel as if you are in some ways abandoning them. There has to be some sense of mourning the loss of their “sister/daughter” just as I am sure that Tina is mourning the loss of her “wife.” What is sad and very unfortunate is that they appear to be unwilling to move through that grief to build a new relationship with you based on who you are becoming “outwardly”.
It has to be difficult, but don’t give up hope that they will eventually come around and if they don’t… you have other family (blood and otherwise) who will love and support you.
Sorry for the length of this but I felt compelled
Oh and btw – it’s definitely HER loss
07/10/2009 at 12:11 pm Permalink
You absolutely did the right thing. Was it punishment, waiting until a couple of weeks before her wedding to call you? Did she think that by not sending you an invitation that you would somehow crack under the fear of losing her and not transition? I’m proud of you, as always. You see this clearly and it’s not your fault that they do not.
07/10/2009 at 12:48 pm Permalink
I hear your pain. I haven’t spoken to my brother in nearly two decades. I’ve only seen my folks and sister once since then.
In answer to your question, whose loss is it? It’s both. But at least you know how to heal. You can release them with love to the care of the Universe/God/Spirit. Don’t carry it as a burden (i.e. resentment). Just let it go. If they come around great. In the meantime, enjoy your live with people who love and accept you as you are.
07/10/2009 at 12:51 pm Permalink
You know, there’s a movie that was made back in the 50’s that I always refer to on things like this. Has nothing to do with “trans” issues, but with a woman who was a widow and fell in love with her “younger handyman” (Rock Hudson). They wanted to marry. Her kids were OUTRAGED–he was too young, “beneath her”, etc.” So she breaks off the engagement and sends him away and is miserable. Her kids are grown–do they hang around and spend time with her? They do NOT. They are just happy that she stayed in THEIR “comfort zone” not hers. I’ve had my differences with my siblings over similar issues, dealing with religion as well. You know what? She is certainly not living her life for YOU, why should you live yours for her?? When I came out, the only way I could explain it to my mother was to say that for the first time in my life, I felt NORMAL. She, fortunately, “got it”. I hear what you are saying about needing to live your life. Yes, it is a choice…a choice to LIVE as you really are. Who that cared about you would deny you that? Sorry it makes some folks uncomfortable. Let them change their channel and you get on with your program!
Love and hugs to you!
GG
07/10/2009 at 4:35 pm Permalink
Jess – “I’d be in a room full of people who love and support me that night anyway.” You said it right there. It hurts not to be supported by or close to your blood/step family, but frankly the family we gather throughout our lives, those who we choose and who choose us are just as, if not more, important in the long run.
07/10/2009 at 6:26 pm Permalink
i know what you are going through somewhat. as i’ve dealt with my own stuff i’ve had bouts of panic over it all. i know i’m doing the right thing, but there are so many people who don’t agree with it. family and friends. i’ve had panicked moments of loneliness. i haven’t even had a chance to be lonely yet, but for some reason the thought of not being able to lean on my family scares me some.
you are a brave soul. hope all goes well for you!
07/10/2009 at 7:01 pm Permalink
Jess – I have nothing to say except I’m sorry that you had to deal with that phone call. I hope they do come around some day, but if not, you have people around you who do love and support you, and that’s what matters.
07/10/2009 at 9:02 pm Permalink
Jess, I think that was very brave of you to stand up for yourself and declare enough already. It is amazing to me how relatives who are suppose to feel unconditional love, seem to be the first to try to emotionally blackmail and withhold from us. I will never understand that. I love the words that GG wrote and couldn’t have said it better. You have to live your life and do what makes you happy. Not what makes everyone else comfortable. Such rubbish. And seriously dude, three out of five ain’t bad.
07/10/2009 at 10:00 pm Permalink
I totally hear the hurt that lies right below the surface of this post and understand. You are brave and it is HER loss, but it still doesn’t stop the hurt from being.
Hope the hurt eases up soon.
07/10/2009 at 11:50 pm Permalink
Jess – It was very brave and right of you to stand up to your sister. Their insistence in letting their ‘beliefs’ define who you are is unacceptable. I’m proud of you, that you let her know that you’re not going to pretend for their sake anymore. I hope they come around in due course but even if they don’t, you will still have those who love and support you.
08/10/2009 at 1:29 am Permalink
Jess,
I’m probably just echoing sentiments expressed here, but you definitely did the right thing. Don’t waste potential happiness on making someone feel more comfortable with what they’re not able to accept. You’ve asserted yourself and the pain you’re feeling from the fallout does less damage than the subtler, ongoing, strangling pain that was the alternative.
Family’s a weird thing.
08/10/2009 at 6:47 am Permalink
I personally believe that it is her loss, not yours.
Something tells me that her God wouldn’t appreciate her non-Christian attitude.
Of course it hurts to find out that people don’t support you. Just think about those who do and surround yourself with them. They are the ones that matter in the end anyway.
08/10/2009 at 6:58 am Permalink
First I’d like to say I’m a longtime lurker here (and also at Tina-cious’ blog too) and I’ve really appreciated the way you write.
I’m so sorry that your sisters and father have reacted the way they have. The sad thing about family is that they don’t always pull together – sometimes they turn on each other instead. :’(
I don’t know what to say, other than you have the support of an internet stranger, who wishes you all the best.
08/10/2009 at 9:38 am Permalink
Personally, I love the “god made you how he did for a reason” argument.
Because: Yes. He did. Even the transgender part.
And you can accept that god did that on purpose or you can’t (you meaning them, not YOU)(because, clearly, YOU do)(right?).
I know it feels RIGHT NOW like you’re giving them up forever. Maybe you are, I don’t know. But I do know that people can and do learn to accept those they love, even when they have differences of opinion.
And maybe one day you’ll find out one of your sisters stood up for someone like you because someone SHE loves opened her eyes.
Until then… *hugs*
PS: And it was totally awesome of you to stand your ground.
08/10/2009 at 2:25 pm Permalink
As much as it hurts (and I KNOW how it feels) sometimes it’s for the best. I’ve been reduced to one aunt and a cousin who contact me ‘now and then’ and a cousin who I talk to via Facebook and THAT’S IT! No parents, no siblings, no cousins, no aunts, no uncles…and I had a HUGE family. But losing them allowed me to find myself and be HAPPY…sometimes the loss is worth the cost.
Hang in there, Jess!
09/10/2009 at 12:22 pm Permalink
I second everything that was said above. You’re a brave man and shouldn’t have to be someone you’re not in order to appease anyone.
09/10/2009 at 12:23 pm Permalink
I think you did the right thing.
But, don’t give up on your nieces and nephews yet. You may not have contact with them while their parents are still in control, but there might come a day when they will question their parents’ values, and want you in their lives again. While I can never expect my brother and SIL to understand who I am, my teenage nieces, who have friends and experiences that their parents never had – are comfortable and accepting of all the changes I’ve made. My relationship with them is stronger than ever.
13/10/2009 at 12:39 pm Permalink
Hey, I’m going through some similar stuff with my very Christian (Reformed Protestant) family. It’s hard to think that I may never visit with or speak to my parents again, but at the same time, I know that it’s still relatively early and over time people can come to realize they value the relationship, and process through some of their fears.
All we can do is reach out, set healthy boundaries, and wait. It’s hard, I know. Best of luck.
13/10/2009 at 1:17 pm Permalink
I see you’ve gotten a bunch of supportive comments and I want to throw my support onto the pile! You are so strong for being able to stand up for yourself like that.
19/10/2009 at 9:14 am Permalink
I totally support you in this. It’s really hard dealing with family, especially when religion is front and center. I went through a similar thing with my family when I came out. I even had a two year battle with my uncle and his wife where I did not attend family events they were at, and I couldn’t see my two cousins. My grandmother would keep them when I was in town and let me see them in secret. My whole family did eventually come around, even though it took my uncle getting skin cancer for it to happen.
I’m sure you’ve heard this before…and I know it’s hard, but they do love you. If they didn’t, this wouldn’t be such a big issue for them. From a religious standpoint, they fear for your soul or whatever. If they didn’t care, they wouldn’t spout off the religious crap. And…you were their sister/daughter for your whole life. You changed and now you’re their brother/son. As hard as it is for you to deal with their criticism and rejection, it is also hard for them to understand what you are going through and why you need to transition.
Yes, it is your family’s loss but one day, they’ll come around and accept you for who you are. It was hard for me to see this side of things as well. I spent a lot of time being hurt and angry at them for their opinions and beliefs about me being a lesbian. My therapist helped me to see that, yes, their reactions and opinions are wrong and disrespectful (and a lot of the times, downright mean) but it does always help to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. I’m not saying you should completely excuse their behavior…just try to understand it a little better. I know it’s hard.