Last week I mentioned that I had sent some letters to my Dad and youngest three siblings about my transition.
My father called me last Monday night to talk about it. We spoke for an hour and a half on the phone. I decided to go into the bathroom to have this talk so that I could be alone.
The conversation was pretty painful. I couldn’t help but to get defensive. I may have come off as cold to him but the things he was saying to me made me feel like I had to.
I was not willing to bend. He tried talking me out of it. Telling me he was afraid for my salvation. After all of these years he still prays for me every day that I can become saved and be with him in heaven. Ya know what? I think that blows. Why the hell would I want to be with someone in heaven who doesn’t want shit to do with me here on earth when at least we know for certain that earth exists?
To me that’s like gambling your entire life’s savings, house, cars, everything on a lotto ticket that you have a 1 in 100,000,000,000,000 odds of winning.
He said he talked to everyone else who’s involved (meaning all of my siblings and his wife) and wanted to get the info from me before he made his decision either way.
I told him that I know it’s hard for him to see that this really is the best thing for me because he only remembers me from my childhood. I told him to do what he had to do and that I’d be ok with it whether he stayed or went. He didn’t argue that he might not stay at that point.
I told him there was nothing he could do or say to stop me and that this was happening (it was the night before my first shot).
We talked about his wife’s influence over him. We talked about the way he makes my family feel unwelcome on holidays. We talked about his wife’s complete rudeness to Tina. We talked about how he’s never acknowledged my wedding. He actually did acknowledge at that point that he’d been a bad father. I’ve heard that before.
I haven’t heard from him since. I don’t expect to. I really can’t be bothered with begging someone to love me unconditionally. He’s my parent and that’s supposed to be a given.
I didn’t call him on Father’s Day.
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23/06/2009 at 10:05 am Permalink
I’m so sorry baby.
I know that no rejection is easy to take but at the very least the rejection you’ve received haven’t been from those closest to you and who do love you unconditionally.
That’s saying something.
I’ll just have to love you extra hard. That’s all.
:::hugs::::
23/06/2009 at 10:07 am Permalink
Oh, damn, Jess. We need to talk. All the circumstances were different but at the same time, I’ve been there with my dad, too. Sometimes cold and firm is what you have to be, to keep yourself from going crazy. You don’t need to beg for unconditional love; you have it already, in abundance, in your life. So sorry, my friend.
23/06/2009 at 10:13 am Permalink
Jess, I read over and over again from religious folk that children are our greatest gift. I believe that to be true, undoubtedly. Sadly not all people deserve those gifts, and some people can’t see what amazing, beautiful, fabulous and diverse gifts they have.
Maybe one day his blinkers will fall to the ground and he will see exactly what he’s missing.
Kudos to you
fimg x
23/06/2009 at 3:14 pm Permalink
I’m really sorry that he doesn’t see you for who you are. Parent’s have a way of hurting us like nobody else can. Hugs to you, my friend.
23/06/2009 at 3:15 pm Permalink
I know -all- about DaD stuff (including the influence of -his- wife)
My thoughts are with you.
Thankfully, you do have loving family with you.
Peace be with you all.
23/06/2009 at 3:39 pm Permalink
I am sure you will be a much stronger man than your father is capable of being. People often ask me how I dealt with not having a father growing up and sometimes I am honest and say it was almost easier because I never had to feel any pain inflicted by him that I did from my mother.
Not having been where you are I can only imagine the feelings you have toward your extended family and their rejection of you. But don’t ever apologize or feel bad for being you and living your life for yourself and family. The ones under your roof are the ones whose thoughts and feelings matter.
23/06/2009 at 3:58 pm Permalink
I’m sorry Jess. I think your father should be proud to have you as his son because you are honourable and a true gentleman.
23/06/2009 at 4:07 pm Permalink
:::::::::hugs:::::::::
Big step, but one that had to be taken. All of this is just going to make you a better man.
23/06/2009 at 5:14 pm Permalink
so sorry.
You know, I’m not very religious; I consider myself agnostic, but the God I DO believe in is all-loving.
He created each and every one of us in his image, so we are exactly as he intended.
I think the gays/trans/etc that are good and kind will go to heaven, and it’s the straight, judgmental types who will be given a surprise come judgment day.
just live your life the best you can & hope that your father will come around in the end, without you having to change who you are.
::huggs::
23/06/2009 at 7:27 pm Permalink
I’m soooo sorry : (
23/06/2009 at 7:41 pm Permalink
I’m so sorry, Jess. As a Christian, a Catholic specifically, it makes me ache every time I hear someone discriminate in God’s name. You do whatever makes you feel natural and whole and yourself and don’t let anyone tell you that’s wrong. I don’t know you much at all, but I’ve been reading your blog for a while and you are strong and I admire you for your decisions.
23/06/2009 at 11:23 pm Permalink
I’m so sorry.
You’re right. You shouldn’t have to beg.
24/06/2009 at 3:06 am Permalink
So sorry Jess. QRx
25/06/2009 at 6:14 pm Permalink
Damn, Jess, that is really hard stuff. I have had a pretty good blow out with dad before and it just stings, no matter how it goes or what it is about.
Good for you for standing up for yourself! As mad and stubborn as he was, I bet your being so strong and true to yourself made him proud of you. And regardless of that even, we’re all very proud of you!
26/06/2009 at 6:49 pm Permalink
So sorry that must have been a very difficult conversation, but how brave you are. How very brave you are, Jess, to live your truth. You should be so proud of yourself.
02/07/2009 at 10:40 pm Permalink
They want what’s best for us and fear the worst for us. It’s biological! They really don;t understand. Who really does?
But we know that we must go forward to our destiny – no real choice. We have the evidence and feel the joy of following our truth – all they feel is the fear. Compassion for their confusion isn’t self-betrayal, just generosity of spirt that we may no be capable of with all the battles we must fight…..Hang in there. You need’nt convince anyone – just live your truth…..Goddess Bless you!
Aloha