***Cross post can be viewed at TLL
———————————————————————
It seems like I’m on an endless journey when it comes to my gender identity. If you aren’t familiar you can check out past posts on my blog that are labeled “gender“, “butch” or “queer“.
Basically I identify as, what many consider a third gender or genderqueer. A female born masculine person. I also id as a butch dyke. (CONFUSED YET?) This could be broken down much further if I wanted to compartmentalize my identities, for instance, the feminine me feels like a dyke, the masculine in me feels like a straight trans guy. To sum it all up, the terms queer and butch work best for me but they may mean something different to me than they do to other people who use the terms.
What people who aren’t “in the know” see is all over the map. Many times, people I don’t know will initially see a guy or a teenage boy. Then once I open my mouth to speak or smile, they know I’m female. I enjoy the part before they realize I am female. Other times they see me as a butch dyke. I don’t mind that part so much.
What people who’ve always known me see, is a woman with short hair and guys clothing, a masculine woman, but she’s still a woman. Especially if they know the pre-coming out Jess. They see girl, female, woman. A lesbian.
I understand, really I do. Even if I were to spell it out to people, there’s a good chance they’d be really confused. I was for so long and I’ve been surrounded by gender fluidity conversations and information for years. I don’t want to explain it over and over. I just want it to be understood. I know I’m asking for a lot.
One thing’s certain. At this point and time in my life, I have no intention of transitioning to become a man and don’t think I ever will. It’s just not something that is for me. I do however plan to make some changes in my life that will help make things match up a bit better with my masculine interior, which is the part of me that I’m most comfortable identifying with. The other parts of my identity will always be there and cannot be denied, but there’s also no denying that changes need to be made in order for me to not hate the body I have.
Over the past couple of years I have been suppressing my feelings on the subject of my gender, out of fear, and in order to protect those who are closest to me. I think I’ve also done it to protect myself in a way. I am not going to do this anymore. Though nothing scares me more than losing someone I love, I can’t be someone I’m not in order to keep someone else close. It’s not fair to me because I will always feel like some thing’s missing, it’s not fair to them because they don’t get to know the real me. Fortunately enough for me, I don’t think I have to worry about losing anyone (i hope). I’m very fortunate to have a wife who loves me and is willing to try and see me the way that I’m most comfortable being seen. I’m fortunate to have a loving family who I really can’t see disowning anyone they love.
I have this talent(?) for blacking out painful parts of my past that I do not want to recall. I can also block out current feelings/issues that might be difficult to face in the same way. I just pack it away and forget about it. I basically still do that with certain aspects of my gender identity. I’m sort of in denial of certain things, if that makes sense. I did this after my breast reduction surgery and put away the feeling of having huge breasts/told myself I was happy with the surgery when I wasn’t. I don’t want to do that anymore. My past helped me become who I am, even if there are painful memories, they are part of me. My current issues need to be acknowledged and dealt with so that I can grow from them as well.
For years I struggled with having extremely large breasts. In my mind I saw these breasts as something that simply did not belong attached to me not to mention the physical pain they caused. I planned for years to get a breast reduction but what I really wanted was to not have breasts at all. In order to get my insurance company to cover the surgery I opted for the easier route. A drastic reduction. Drastically minimize the size and weight and they’d be easier to hide so my masculinity would benefit tons. Keeping my breasts also made my wife happy. Though she wouldn’t leave me if I were breastless, she is attracted to me the way I am and prefers me with breasts. She is, after all, a lesbian.
I thought the surgeon and I were on the same page as to how small I wanted to go, but apparently he did his own thing and left me with more breast tissue than I’d asked for. For the longest time I swore it had to be swelling from the surgery that just hadn’t gone down, but alas, it stayed firmly put. Though I was happy to be “almost there”, I was always way less than satisfied with the results. When I look in the mirror today, I am not at all happy with what I see. I want to see a flat chested Jess looking back at me. A more masculine Jess.
I went into denial about being unhappy with the results and have tried to be positive. I’ve tried to be pleased with my body. When I’ve got a sports bra, undershirt and a shirt on I am typically comfortable with my reflection. Somewhat confident. I recognize the version of me that I see in my mind. The version I am happy with. When the layers come off, I don’t see in the mirror, the Jess that I see in my mind.
Then there’s the name thing. My given name, Jessica. I don’t feel like it fits the genderqueer me. (I’ve blogged about this before.) I’m in the process of trying to come up with a gender neutral name. I’d like to keep my initials the same so it would be first name J. middle name L. I’m leaning toward Jesse for right now. I like the name and it’s the masculine version of Jessica, but part of me wants to change it to something different and new. We’ll see what happens.
As for my chest. Another surgery is out of the question now and for at least the next year, but it is inevitable unless I, by some miracle, become comfortable with my reflection.
Wish me luck.
———————————————————————
It seems like I’m on an endless journey when it comes to my gender identity. If you aren’t familiar you can check out past posts on my blog that are labeled “gender“, “butch” or “queer“.
Basically I identify as, what many consider a third gender or genderqueer. A female born masculine person. I also id as a butch dyke. (CONFUSED YET?) This could be broken down much further if I wanted to compartmentalize my identities, for instance, the feminine me feels like a dyke, the masculine in me feels like a straight trans guy. To sum it all up, the terms queer and butch work best for me but they may mean something different to me than they do to other people who use the terms.
What people who aren’t “in the know” see is all over the map. Many times, people I don’t know will initially see a guy or a teenage boy. Then once I open my mouth to speak or smile, they know I’m female. I enjoy the part before they realize I am female. Other times they see me as a butch dyke. I don’t mind that part so much.
What people who’ve always known me see, is a woman with short hair and guys clothing, a masculine woman, but she’s still a woman. Especially if they know the pre-coming out Jess. They see girl, female, woman. A lesbian.
I understand, really I do. Even if I were to spell it out to people, there’s a good chance they’d be really confused. I was for so long and I’ve been surrounded by gender fluidity conversations and information for years. I don’t want to explain it over and over. I just want it to be understood. I know I’m asking for a lot.
One thing’s certain. At this point and time in my life, I have no intention of transitioning to become a man and don’t think I ever will. It’s just not something that is for me. I do however plan to make some changes in my life that will help make things match up a bit better with my masculine interior, which is the part of me that I’m most comfortable identifying with. The other parts of my identity will always be there and cannot be denied, but there’s also no denying that changes need to be made in order for me to not hate the body I have.
Over the past couple of years I have been suppressing my feelings on the subject of my gender, out of fear, and in order to protect those who are closest to me. I think I’ve also done it to protect myself in a way. I am not going to do this anymore. Though nothing scares me more than losing someone I love, I can’t be someone I’m not in order to keep someone else close. It’s not fair to me because I will always feel like some thing’s missing, it’s not fair to them because they don’t get to know the real me. Fortunately enough for me, I don’t think I have to worry about losing anyone (i hope). I’m very fortunate to have a wife who loves me and is willing to try and see me the way that I’m most comfortable being seen. I’m fortunate to have a loving family who I really can’t see disowning anyone they love.
I have this talent(?) for blacking out painful parts of my past that I do not want to recall. I can also block out current feelings/issues that might be difficult to face in the same way. I just pack it away and forget about it. I basically still do that with certain aspects of my gender identity. I’m sort of in denial of certain things, if that makes sense. I did this after my breast reduction surgery and put away the feeling of having huge breasts/told myself I was happy with the surgery when I wasn’t. I don’t want to do that anymore. My past helped me become who I am, even if there are painful memories, they are part of me. My current issues need to be acknowledged and dealt with so that I can grow from them as well.
For years I struggled with having extremely large breasts. In my mind I saw these breasts as something that simply did not belong attached to me not to mention the physical pain they caused. I planned for years to get a breast reduction but what I really wanted was to not have breasts at all. In order to get my insurance company to cover the surgery I opted for the easier route. A drastic reduction. Drastically minimize the size and weight and they’d be easier to hide so my masculinity would benefit tons. Keeping my breasts also made my wife happy. Though she wouldn’t leave me if I were breastless, she is attracted to me the way I am and prefers me with breasts. She is, after all, a lesbian.
I thought the surgeon and I were on the same page as to how small I wanted to go, but apparently he did his own thing and left me with more breast tissue than I’d asked for. For the longest time I swore it had to be swelling from the surgery that just hadn’t gone down, but alas, it stayed firmly put. Though I was happy to be “almost there”, I was always way less than satisfied with the results. When I look in the mirror today, I am not at all happy with what I see. I want to see a flat chested Jess looking back at me. A more masculine Jess.
I went into denial about being unhappy with the results and have tried to be positive. I’ve tried to be pleased with my body. When I’ve got a sports bra, undershirt and a shirt on I am typically comfortable with my reflection. Somewhat confident. I recognize the version of me that I see in my mind. The version I am happy with. When the layers come off, I don’t see in the mirror, the Jess that I see in my mind.
Then there’s the name thing. My given name, Jessica. I don’t feel like it fits the genderqueer me. (I’ve blogged about this before.) I’m in the process of trying to come up with a gender neutral name. I’d like to keep my initials the same so it would be first name J. middle name L. I’m leaning toward Jesse for right now. I like the name and it’s the masculine version of Jessica, but part of me wants to change it to something different and new. We’ll see what happens.
As for my chest. Another surgery is out of the question now and for at least the next year, but it is inevitable unless I, by some miracle, become comfortable with my reflection.
Wish me luck.
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17/07/2008 at 8:34 am Permalink
No one should have to try to be something or someone that they’re not. It will eat you up inside, and life is far too short for that. Do what you need to do for you, to be the happiest you that you can be.
17/07/2008 at 9:29 am Permalink
Good luck the journey may be long but at least you know you have a great support system.
17/07/2008 at 11:45 am Permalink
Hey, Jess, thanks for the comment on the garden. Fresh tomatoes are the best, aren’t they? I read your recent post on TLL and just have been too busy to comment, but I applaud your honesty about being true to who you are. I think, ultimately, that is what we are all trying to do. Be WHO WE ARE, whether it’s gay, straight, butch, femme, queer, dyke, whatever. When you go through your life and your stomach doesn’t tie up in knots just because you’re alive, then you know you’re doing something right.
Just a thought–if breast cancer runs in your family, you might be able to have what is called a “prophylactic mastectomy” to remove the breasts. I’ve heard of women doing it, because if you don’t have breasts, you can’t get breast cancer. I know it’s a lot to think about.
Hang in there. You are very brave!
GG
17/07/2008 at 2:30 pm Permalink
First of all, good luck.
Secondly, I’m a queer butch dyke too – yay for us!
Thirdly, I’d really like to hear more about what it is that you’ve been suppressing about yourself and why you’re afraid that you’ll lose people because of it.
Lastly, you have my deepest condolences about your chest surgery. It’s not exactly the easiest thing to muster up the courage to do in the first place, and then when it doesn’t turn out to be what you wanted, it must be extremely disappointing. I’d say the sooner you can take care of that self requirement, the better.
17/07/2008 at 7:09 pm Permalink
Jess,
I also had breast reduction surgury that did not turn out quite as I planned it! My big insight after the surgury was: Never go to a doctor that specializes in Porn Stars for a breast reduction! (I know… its a long story) Also, when I gain weight, guess where it goes? I went into discuss the situation with my current doctor and was told the only way to get the insurance company to do another reduction which is elective surgury was to quit smoking and get close to my ideal weight! I was like, “Yeah, right!”
Anyway, as far as gender identity, I feel more like a gay guy most of the time. I don’t even think there is a name for that identity so I guess I will just have to be me! Really interesting blog topic.
Peace,
Diva
19/07/2008 at 1:24 am Permalink
Very interesting..I think if I had to sum it up, I feel like a straight guy inside. As for the breasts, I’m with you. I’d have mine removed if I could. They are totally useless.
Good for you for putting this out there. Maybe Tina and Packie should do a pod cast on that subject.
19/07/2008 at 2:56 pm Permalink
Thanks for sharing, Jess. I understand where you’re coming from.
20/07/2008 at 9:56 am Permalink
this is so moving and so dead-on, i really don’t know what to say in a comment, besides thanks for putting it out there. “I can’t be someone I’m not in order to keep someone else close”–just, yes. exactly. amen.
22/07/2008 at 9:32 pm Permalink
I’m with you on the boob thing. I would SO have mine removed if I could, but I think Linda likes ‘em!
good luck with your evolution.
19/08/2008 at 8:25 am Permalink
after reading your interview on lori’s site i have been reading back over some of your archives. it is all so interesting to me. i come from a pretty conservative background and have just recently become friends with some lesbians. my eyes have been opened for sure. thanks for putting yourself out there. being honest about who you are and who you want to be. i know many people can relate.
12/09/2008 at 4:01 pm Permalink
Hey Jess, What’s up?
I just read Queer Butch Dyke and let me tell you that I found it very interesting (With all due respect).
Would it be o.k for me to say that I admire you?
I find all of this soo damn brave. I guess it’s because I live in this country. All the things that you have done, can’t be done “just like that” here in Chile. People here are just mean pricks.
I think your doing everything good. The most important thing is that you have someone who loves you the way you are.
Go Man.
Good luck!